'Most New Zealanders would be appalled': Abusive parents blocking children from therapy

A survivor of domestic violence says the law makes it too easy for her abusive ex-partner to block their children from accessing counselling despite their pleas for therapy.

A new report by Backbone Collective details how abusive legal guardians are preventing their tamariki from accessing therapy and healthcare, because consent of both parents is needed.

The organisation advocates for survivors of domestic violence and is calling for changes to the law that would prioritise children's safety.

Sarah* has the police reports and criminal court file to show her ex-partner was physically abusive - she left him when he started hurting their children and is their main caregiver.

But when her children needed counselling and were keen to get help through therapy, their dad refused consent.

"It's devastating to see your child in a traumatic state, them crying themselves to sleep, even self-harming, and as a mother, all you want to do is help them and to have to say to them, we can't get help because your father says no ... it's ridiculous."

But the law states that both guardians' consent is needed for a child's non-routine treatment, including mental health treatments, until they turn 16.

In New Zealand, both parents are afforded guardianship status even if one of those parents is abusive - it is uncommon for a parent to lose guardianship.

"If you are split up, any time you need to seek assistance for your child, you have to get consent from both parents. That's the law and so most of the time I've gone through my lawyer and he's come back through his lawyer and just said, nope, that's it," Sarah said.

It wasn't just one instance.

"He has blocked everything really from GP visits, school counsellor, therapy, pediatrician, any sort of specialist visits, anything to do with medical health and mental health, he has a say and has refused consent," she said.

"For him, I believe it's control. It's not about what's best for the children. It's mostly about punishing me. He knows that the best way to punish me is to hurt the children."

Backbone Collective surveyed women who experienced family violence and heard from 63 mothers of 113 children from around the country. They described how abusive legal guardians had blocked or compromised their children's access to therapy, after their children had experienced violence.

Its report released on Tuesday, Daddy says No, detailed how the abusive parents had refused consent through legal proceedings in the Family Court or directly with the therapeutic service, often threatening.

Co-founder Deborah Mackenzie said all but one were fathers and some had compromised their children's access to counselling by demanding records.

"What these mothers told us is that the system and people working in the system currently enable abusive parents to block children's access to therapeutic support."

She said the mothers wanted their children to access the help they needed after experiencing domestic violence.

A quarter reported at least one of their chldren was sexually assaulted, 57 percent said their children had been physically assaulted and 76 percent said their children had been verbally assaulted.

"I think most New Zealanders would be appalled to learn that the person who has used violence against a child is the very same person who gets to block that child getting support to recover and heal."

Mackenzie said it was a coercive control tactic that the law was enabling.

"Every attempt by the abuser is to stop the child talking about the violence and abuse but it's also about being able to continue control over the child and also over the protective mum long after they've separated."

She said over the last two years, specialist family violence and sexual violence therapeutic service providers had told Backbone that they were increasingly being forced to stop providing sessions to children due to legal demands from abusers' lawyers, in the form of cease and desist letters.

Mackenzie said providers were not all equipped or resourced to respond despite there being no doubt the children needed therapeutic help, many urgently.

The mothers in the survey described how they had sought therapy for their children because they had serious concerns for their children's mental health due to self-harming or suicidal thoughts, anxiety or depression impacting their daily life.

"It's really important in supporting children's recovery from the abuse because we know that when a parent uses family violence or sexual violence against a child that has a huge negative impact on children," Mackenzie said.

"It's protective mums that are left coping with these impacts on their children, so they're seeing very distressed children, children having troubles at school, children having trouble regulating their emotions and their relationships with others."

Almost half of the mothers who responded to the survey told Backbone one of their children had difficulty with learning, concentrating or remembering and 44 percent indicated at least one of their children had difficulty communicating or socialising.

Mackenzie also said many mothers described parenting orders which forced their children to have ongoing unsupervised or sometimes supervised contact with the abusive father and that this resulted in further emotional distress for the children.

Calling for change

University of Auckland associate professor Carrie Leonetti is an expert in family law and said in New Zealand, the guardianship rights of parents appeared to be prioritised over children's rights to access support.

"I think we need to separate the question of residence, of care, of contact with children from the question of legal decision making. There are cases in New Zealand where perpetrators who are imprisoned for criminal acts of family violence retain guardianship over their children, that's just insane."

She said children with capacity to decide for themselves should be able to access therapy such as counselling.

"Maybe the questions should just be why should any parent for any reason be able to stop their child getting psychological treatment that's helpful to them, that's necessary for their health and that they made an informed decision to get."

Leonetti said New Zealand was out of step internationally in its commitment to co-guardianship even when there was domestic abuse.

"What's common in most countries is that the court will designate a residential parent and guardian and they have to advise but not get consent from the other person in order to do things like enrol children in school, get children medical treatment," she said.

"Just because these women have children with the men who abused them, that they have to be chained to these men until their youngest child hits at least 16 or even 18 is just shockingly outdated and really out of step with global norms."

Backbone Collective is calling for changes to the law, including the Care of Children Act, that would stop known abusers being able to block their children's access to therapy and prioritise children's safety.

This included removing any right of Protection Order respondents to have decision-making power over their children's access to therapeutic services and child safety programmes or access the case notes.

Mackenzie said such change was urgently needed.

"We are saying that the system needs to make safety, wellbeing and the best interest of tamariki it's highest priority. Whatever the policy tools are used, policymakers must be successful in stopping abusers from interferring with children's access to therapeutic services and healthcare."

Sarah said the impact of her ex-partner blocking their children's access to therapy had been extensive because they did not receive help when they needed it.

"It's absolutely devastating. I think that as a mother what you want to do is protect your children and I think I find from what I've seen women in my situation, a mother's first instinct is to protect the children. We go to court, we come at it as this is what's best for the child."

She said the children had accessed therapy through their school counsellor on their own terms but not without her ex-partner trying to stop it.

"Basically most women in my situation, our option is either to fight a lengthy battle in court, spend money on legal fees. The court waiting time is absolutely horrendous ... when a child has an immediate problem and you can't get a court date for six months, it's just so frustrating," Sarah said.

"The other option is waiting until the child is old enough to consent for themselves, which is frustrating. It's crazy that you should have to wait for a child to be a certain age to be able to consent for themselves."

She would like children's health needs given priority over guardianship law.

"If you have an abusive parent, then the children should have immediate access to help. It should be mandatory. I feel that it's incredibly important and very urgent. It's incredibly traumatic," she said.

"My children saw me be abused and they were abused themselves. It's physical violence, it's emotional trauma, and it shapes a child's life. And for them to not be able to have the proper counselling and therapy services, it affects them into their adult life."

*Not her real name