I lived my life in reverse – why I went back to school at 45 and started university at 49

When I meet someone for the first time, I sometimes say I've lived my life in reverse.  

I got married and had children at a young age, and I didn't return to work or focus on my career until after my divorce at 44.

Then at 45, I went back to school.

When I look at it written down like that, it almost sounds like there was a plan and some thought behind it all. 

The truth is, there was no plan. Most of my life choices stemmed from necessity. 

When I was young, I did not think much about whether I would go to university. 

My mother was a single parent, and after my A-Levels, I decided to start working. I knew that continuing my studies would add to her financial burden, and I did not want to make things harder for her.

I started my career as a cabin crew member before moving on to a role as a patient services officer. 

At 24, I got married and, after becoming a mother, I eventually decided to leave the workforce to be a homemaker. 

My first child came along when I was 26, and my third when I was around 31. For many years, my life revolved around raising my sons.

Being there for them during their formative years mattered to me, particularly as my second child had some health issues that required more attention.

After my divorce in 2016, I returned to work and joined the People's Association. 

I had three children to raise and a new life to build, and I had to figure it all out on my own. 

STARTING OVER AS A STUDENT 

When I joined the People's Association as a neighbourhood committee manager, the idea of studying again began to take hold. 

Part of it came from watching my colleagues, many of whom were enrolled in part-time courses. 

I began connecting with my younger colleagues, including some who were about 10 years my junior. 

Through our conversations, I learnt so much about the courses they were pursuing in areas such as business and social studies. 

Having been out of the workforce for so long, I was initially unfamiliar with what salaries to expect, but my colleagues were candid about what degree holders could earn. 

Their experiences opened my eyes to the opportunities that higher education could offer.

When I mentioned going back to school to further my studies, they encouraged me and told me, "You can still do it".

So, in 2017, I enrolled in a business practice diploma course at Temasek Polytechnic.

I remember being quite frightened by all the number crunching I had to do in a business-related course. 

In junior college, I was a humanities student, so statistics wasn't where I felt most comfortable. Yet there I was, at 45, worrying about mathematics again. 

I also hadn't been in a classroom for years, and now I had to keep up with assignments, deadlines and note-taking during lectures.

But I persevered and got through it. This time, I was more focused and determined to do well. 

When I was younger, I had already decided to enter the workforce after my A-Levels to help ease my family's financial burden, so my priorities were different.

With classes on two full days and one night each week, I had to balance work, studies and my responsibilities as a single mum. I would prepare meals at night for my children so I could manage my time better. 

Living near school also made attending those classes more convenient.

That diploma was supposed to be enough. I had no grand plans to keep collecting qualifications in my late 40s. 

But then the COVID-19 pandemic happened, and the world was put on "pause". 

With more time on my hands, I thought: "What if I challenge myself further while I am still able to?"

This time, I went about it much more practically.

I could not imagine committing myself to another three years of study while working and taking care of my children, as well as my elderly mother, who needed me as well.

I needed something I could realistically fit into my life.  

So, in March 2021, I enrolled in a 12-month business degree programme offered by Edinburgh Napier University through the PSB Academy.

Unlike a three-year programme, I could see the finish line. 

BEST-LAID PLANS UP IN THE AIR 

Despite my best-laid plans, I could not have foreseen how much my life would change in that year. 

A few years before, my mother had been diagnosed with dementia at the age of 79. 

She had been living alone, but when her condition worsened, she had to move in with me.

Around the same time, I sold my marital home and bought another property. I was juggling caregiving, my studies and the administrative matters that came with the move and my mother's care.

With two of my sons still in school, something was always happening at home.

Although most university lectures were held online due to the pandemic, I made time to attend in-person lessons whenever possible, as I found them more engaging and productive.

My responsibilities grew, but my support network did not. I was still a single parent with no one to turn to for help. 

My older sister lives in the United States, so I could not simply call on her to help care for my mother either.  

I realised then that no perfect arrangement would let me fully focus on my studies.

I just had to work around what life was already asking of me. 

When the going got tough, I reminded myself of a simple mantra I had used over the years to get through difficult periods in my life: if it is yours, handle it. 

My faith helped, too. I am Catholic, and when things became overwhelming, I would pray and then carry on as best I could.

LEARNING FROM THOSE YOUNGER 

Looking back, I think being a mature learner and an older woman helped me too. 

When I was 20, I tended to think I had to know everything. 

At 49, I became much more comfortable saying I didn't know something. That proved useful in the classroom and outside it.

I learnt from people much younger than me. 

There is a term for it now: "reverse mentoring". I first came across it while studying, but I had already been experiencing it. 

Younger colleagues, interns and classmates introduced me to digital tools I hadn't grown up using, from social media platforms such as TikTok to presentation tools such as Canva. 

I could have taken the attitude that I was older and, therefore, knew better. But that would have got me nowhere. 

In return, I could offer my younger classmates insights from my years of work and life experience, including what I had learnt from raising a family. 

When we discussed leadership or dealing with people, I could draw on experiences that did not come from a textbook. 

There were things I understood because I had lived through them.

One subject that stayed with me during the programme was leadership, partly because of where I was in my career. 

In 2022, my organisation offered me the role of constituency manager. It was the first time I had people reporting to me, and I had always wanted to keep everyone happy. 

I did not like saying "no". I did not want to be the bad guy.

The programme made me think about how I could stay approachable and listen to people, while setting boundaries. 

I did not have to make every decision from the top down. I could take what I learnt in class into work the next day. 

The classroom also gave me something else: companionship. 

Attending lessons in person helped me make friends, which made going back to school much more enjoyable.

In particular, there was another student who, like me, had returned to school later in life. We went through the same diploma course and degree programme together.

It was comforting not to be the only person in the room who had already lived a whole life before coming back to school.

MY LIFE, MY OWN TIMELINE

At one point in my university journey, I remember feeling guilty about receiving financial support for my studies through the PSB Academy – SINDA (Singapore Indian Development Association) Sponsorship. It covered half of the tuition fees for eligible students.

I wondered whether I deserved it, and whether I had taken the place of a younger student who needed it more.

A friend told me something that stayed with me: I had not taken someone else's place. I was simply taking the place that had been waiting for me. 

I think about that when I meet younger people who are discouraged about education.

I see something of myself in those who believe that they are not good enough, or that their circumstances have closed doors for them.  

I once made a decision not to continue studying. At the time, it was the right decision for my family. But it did not have to be the final decision about my education.

Now that my sons are older, I've been thinking more about giving back to the younger generation. 

I go on missions yearly with my church to serve disadvantaged communities overseas, mostly in the region, where we teach people of all ages vocational skills and English, and run food programmes. 

These experiences have reinforced my belief that learning is not just for the young. 

Perhaps I did live my life in reverse – I studied after becoming a mother, built my career after my marriage ended, and graduated from university long after I thought that opportunity had passed. 

But I no longer see myself as having fallen behind.

There are things I would have done differently, knowing what I know now. I suspect most people feel the same.

Still, I am glad my life didn't unfold in the order I once imagined.

Pamela Govinden, 54, is a mother of three and a constituency manager with the People's Association. 

If you have an experience to share or know someone who wishes to contribute to this series, write to voices [at] mediacorp.com.sg (voices[at]mediacorp[dot]com[dot]sg) with your full name, address and phone number.

Source: CNA/ma/sf