Five failed IVF nearly broke us — Couple

For seven years, Toyosi and Ifeanyi Ukejeh endured the heartbreak of infertility, five failed IVF attempts and moments when the dream of becoming parents seemed painfully out of reach. In this interview with TEMITOPE ADETUNJI, the couple recount how the journey tested their marriage, strained them emotionally, pushed their faith to its limits and, ultimately, made the joy of welcoming their daughter all the more profound

A friend told me I couldn’t understand children because I had none — Wife

Did you ever imagine it would take seven years for you and your husband to have a child?

No, we never imagined it would take that long. We got married in 2019 and wanted to settle down and enjoy life together before having children. I got married at 26 and hoped to have my children before turning 30.

By 2022, we became concerned because I had stopped menstruating for months and was experiencing severe pain. After medical investigations, I discovered that I had a blocked fallopian tube and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. We were told our chances of conceiving naturally were low and that we might need intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilisation.

It was devastating. I was young and had never imagined I would face fertility challenges. I blamed myself for not going for medical checks earlier, not knowing what was happening to my body.

What was your experience with the fertility treatments?

We tried IUI twice, but both attempts failed. We then moved to IVF, hoping it would work. The first failure was disappointing, but we thought we could try again. When the second attempt failed, we began questioning what was going wrong.

The third failure was particularly painful because I had made sacrifices to improve our chances. I reduced my workload, stopped accepting saxophone gigs and withdrew from activities I enjoyed. Yet, it still failed.

I remember sitting in the bathtub and crying because I could not understand why it had not worked despite everything I had done. I became depressed and told my husband I did not want to try again. He reassured me that he would rather not have a child than watch me continue to suffer. We even considered adoption.

How did the experience affect your marriage and faith?

There were ups and downs. I considered surrogacy after people on TikTok offered to become surrogate mothers, but my husband was uncomfortable with the idea. We did not always agree, and there were times I felt he did not fully understand what I was experiencing physically and emotionally.

I also stopped attending church for a while. I was a children’s teacher, but seeing other women with their children became painful. I loved the children I taught, yet I kept asking God why I was struggling to have my own.

At some point, I felt emotionally exhausted and needed time away to process everything. Although my husband was supportive, there were moments when I still felt alone in the experience.

What made you decide to try IVF again after the third failure?

I eventually suggested that we try again because we still had embryos stored at the hospital. However, we decided to change doctors because we were uncomfortable with the treatment we had received. We felt some of our previous doctor’s comments were racist, although I cannot say that this had anything to do with the failed attempts.

I requested a female doctor with whom I could feel comfortable. She carried out fresh investigations and discovered fibroids inside and outside my uterus. She suspected they might have contributed to the failed embryo transfers and recommended surgery.

I had the surgery in May 2025. After recovering, we waited about three months before trying another embryo transfer. That sixth IVF attempt worked.

What kept you going after five unsuccessful attempts?

Faith played a significant role. My sister-in-law encouraged me to participate in the Hallelujah Challenge in 2024. Initially, I was reluctant because I had already participated in other prayer programmes and felt exhausted. Eventually, I joined her.

When our fourth and fifth IVF attempts failed, I wondered whether God had forgotten me. In 2025, I approached the programme differently, taking the results of my previous failed attempts to God in prayer. I prayed for a successful surgery and for the next embryo transfer to work.

I was emotionally exhausted and felt I could not continue trying indefinitely if it failed again. Looking back, I believe God heard my prayers. After the surgery and the subsequent embryo transfer, I became pregnant.

How did you react when you discovered you were pregnant?

I did not believe it at first. I was alone at home when I found out, and I did not tell my husband until about three days later because I was still trying to process it.

I kept taking pregnancy tests and eventually went for a laboratory test to be certain. Even after the results confirmed the pregnancy, I struggled to believe it. It was not until my belly started showing at about six months that I began to accept that it was real.

After everything we had experienced, I had almost stopped expecting it to happen. Our daughter is now four months old.

What was the most difficult part of the journey?

For me, it was the loneliness. You could be with your husband and still feel as though you were going through the experience alone. I became withdrawn, and seeing my friends have children hurt, even though I was happy for them.

I was the first person to marry into my husband’s family, but his younger brother married later and already had two children. Whenever I saw my husband playing with his nieces, it hurt deeply. I never told him how much it affected me.

The physical demands were also difficult. IVF involved repeated injections, medication, pain and hormonal changes. At one point, I had to stop working completely to concentrate on my health and treatment.

Was there a comment that particularly hurt you during those years?

A close friend from church once told me that because I did not have a child, I could not understand how to take care of children. That statement hurt deeply because I never expected it from someone I considered a friend.

People sometimes make comments without understanding what others are experiencing privately. They need to be more mindful of their words because what seems insignificant to one person can cause another person considerable pain.

I was also called fat several times, and some people commented on how big my stomach was. Most of them did not know that I had fibroids and that the medication I had been taking had significantly affected my weight.

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What would you say to women still waiting for children?

I would encourage them to hold on to their faith while seeking medical help. I believe faith and medical treatment can work together. God gave doctors the knowledge to do what they do.

IVF is not something to be ashamed of. Some people conceive on their first attempt, while others need several attempts. Everyone’s experience is different, and a child is a child, regardless of how that child was conceived.

Motherhood has shown me that I am stronger than I imagined. Whenever I look at my daughter, I thank God for bringing us through the journey. Sharing my experience online has also created opportunities to speak about infertility, including an invitation to the Netherlands. I hope my story helps someone else feel less alone.

I hid my tears to remain strong for my wife through five failed IVFs – Husband

Did you imagine your journey to parenthood would be difficult?

I never did. I wanted to marry early, have children while still young and watch us grow together as a family.

Even before we started trying, I was afraid of becoming a father. I wondered whether I would know how to care for children and handle the responsibility. When we eventually started trying and it did not happen as quickly as we hoped, we went to the hospital and realised the journey would be more difficult than I had anticipated.

How did you react when the doctors recommended IVF?

I had never imagined I would need IVF. When the doctor first mentioned it, I asked what it was because I had never heard of it before. My immediate reaction was to reject the idea.

After the doctor explained the process, I went home and started researching it. I read about IVF and watched videos to understand what it involved. It took time for me to accept that this was an option we might have to pursue.

How did you cope with the repeated disappointments?

The disappointments were very heavy. After each attempt, we waited about 10 days before going for a blood test. Sometimes, my wife would simply send me the result through WhatsApp with the words, “Another negative.”

Each time, I hoped the result would be different, so receiving the same disappointing news was painful. At some point, I wondered whether we should stop trying because I felt I could no longer take it.

However, I knew I had to be strong for my wife. When she cried, I tried to remain composed because I felt that if both of us broke down at the same time, it would be difficult to support each other. I often held back my tears until I was alone. I was hurting too, but I wanted her to have someone to lean on.

How did you manage the financial demands of repeated IVF attempts?

IVF was expensive, and it was not easy financially. Insurance in France covered some aspects of the treatment, but we still had to pay for other expenses ourselves.

I remember a time when we had to pay €400 each for blood tests. I asked why I also needed the test when I was not the one carrying the pregnancy, but the hospital explained that it was necessary. Those expenses accumulated, and the entire process cost us a lot.

Did the experience put a strain on your marriage?

There were difficult moments, especially when my wife felt she was going through everything alone. I tried to reassure her that I was there for her, but sometimes my words did not seem to get through.

I could see how deeply the experience was affecting her. I was also depressed, and we both struggled emotionally. We had to make a conscious effort to find happiness despite what we were going through.

At one point, I organised a road trip from France to the Netherlands. The journey took about eight or nine hours by road. I wanted her to get away from our immediate environment, relax and feel better, even if only temporarily. However, when we returned home, the challenges were still there. It was a difficult period for both of us.

How did you handle insensitive questions and comments from people?

Some people asked questions without realising how painful they could be. I remember a friend who called and immediately asked how my children were doing. I did not know what to say, so I laughed and told him that we blessed God. Later, I contacted him to explain how the question had made me feel.

Another friend asked me, in Pidgin English, whether I was still putting condoms in the toilet. I laughed when he said it, but I was shocked. He assumed we did not have children because we did not want them.

Unfortunately, because I kept laughing, he did not realise how much the comment affected me. I do not think he fully understood what we were going through.

People often expect everyone to follow a particular timeline: get married, have children and move on to the next stage of life. But they do not always know what someone may be dealing with privately. We need to be more considerate because what sounds like a joke to one person may be deeply painful to another.

What was your reaction when you learnt that your wife was pregnant?

Silence. The silence was so loud that I knew I had a testimony. I knew it would happen one day, but I didn’t know when. There were tears of joy that night. I promise I didn’t cry.

Now, what has fatherhood taught you?

It has been beautiful. Life changes when a baby arrives. There are things you enjoy as a couple that you have to adjust when you become parents. You have to adapt to your new reality.

Even the cry of a baby is beautiful. It is a wonderful feeling to have our daughter after everything we went through. Our daughter is four months old.

I would encourage men whose partners are experiencing fertility challenges to remain strong, keep supporting their wives and continue believing in God. The journey can be difficult, but they should not assume they are alone in it. I wish every couple going through this experience strength and courage.