A healthy guide to sitting shiva: Navigating death and loss in these unprecedented times

ByDR. BATYA L. LUDMANNOVEMBER 14, 2026 08:08

Seeing the headline above may be enough for some of you to opt out and skip this page. Please don’t!

When my editor asked me to write about shiva, given the realities of our post-Oct. 7 lives, expanding from my regular column to a longer piece, my first thought was that I have written a lot about loss in the past 14 months; and my second, will my readers want to think about death if they don’t have to? 

People are often uncomfortable talking about death and loss and are perhaps even a bit superstitious; they fear the unknown and are unsure of just what to say.

But since death is inevitable, at some point we will all experience an important loss, whether someone slowly declines or suddenly dies. So, I hope that you will stay with me, because knowledge can greatly reduce anxiety and can be very empowering.

SHIVA, THE seven-day period after a death, offers Jewish mourners a structured, dedicated opportunity in which to grieve for the loss of a close loved one – most notably, a parent, child, sibling, or spouse.

A deeply healing tradition, one literally “sits shiva” and receives visitors, except on Shabbat, when, according to the Halacha, there are no outward signs of mourning.

Other religions suggest at best that one might take a few days off before returning to work, as if nothing happened and all is okay. But those who have experienced the death of someone close to them know that everything is definitely not okay. How can it be when your loved one dies?

Shiva offers a clear framework with guidance as to how this important period after a loss should be spent. It encourages you, the mourner, to talk, reflect, and share memories with people who know you, with people who knew your loved one.

People come from near and far to visit, offer food, pray, hear stories, view photographs, and simply embrace you in your pain. In entering your world, they help enable you to both grieve and slowly begin to accept and come to terms with your loss.

The week slowly passes and becomes less intense. With little quiet in your head or at home, it is exhausting.

When shiva does end, you leave your protective cocoon behind and return to a new reality. With trepidation, you reenter the world as you literally “get up,” perhaps take a short walk outside, hear the birds chirping, and take in a breath of fresh air. It may seem as if weeks have passed, not just a single week. This is a painful reminder that while little has changed, everything has changed.

While nothing perhaps will ever be the same again, you will go on, and this is just one of the many, very important lessons you hopefully will be able to take away from shiva.

Discomfort – on both sides

Some people express that a shiva visit, for both mourner and visitor, may feel uncomfortable.

Men frequently plan their visit to coincide with a minyan, which lowers the expectation to stay and talk, and women often choose to go with a friend, not wanting to have to go alone.

However, for those who make the effort to visit during the week of shiva, they are surprisingly glad that they were given the opportunity to attend and often feel that their visit was greatly appreciated. (See “Shiva etiquette” sidebar.)

During shiva, people come to give comfort and offer their condolences to the family of the deceased. Shiva provides the opportunity not only to deal with the death of your loved one, but also to remember the life of a person who is no longer here. 

Shiva is Judaism’s remedy for carrying you, the mourner, out of the depths of sorrow and sadness back into the land of the living.

You have just had a tremendous loss and may feel incredibly alone. Yet your sense of loneliness and despair after your loss is somehow reduced as you talk about your loved one and have a dedicated time to mourn for an entire week. You derive comfort from people simply being there and being very much present for you.

Throughout this week of shiva, you likely will be taken care of and served by family or community members. It is a very strange feeling to have other people waiting on you, especially if you’re accustomed to taking care of others.

Your house may be full of people from all walks of life, at all hours, and they will see you at your worst – bedroom slippers, ripped shirt, no makeup or perfume, and eyes that reveal more than you’d like.

This is not a time of vanity, and in fact you will likely stay in the same outer clothes, rent top, barely having showered, and unshaven all week.

People, some of whom may be close friends of the family, or some you may not know at all, will simply walk in – with no warning. They don’t even ring your bell. And you don’t even get up from your seat to greet them or offer them as much as a glass of water. No, you stay seated in your very low (and usually uncomfortable) seat. How strange is that!

These people may stay briefly or overstay their welcome. They may come over and talk to you or ask questions about your loved one. They may simply take a chair and sit down in silence. They may wait until you speak to them first, and if you are busy, or speaking to others, or unable to speak – that, too, will be okay.

They may come and go without a single word being exchanged between you. There may also be periods of awkward silence that neither you nor the visitor will fill in. You may be lost in your own thoughts. That is okay, too, and it is up to you to set the tone.

Regardless, their eyes and face may suggest that they are very much there for you, and words themselves may seem irrelevant. Sometimes, there are simply no words; nothing can be said, or need be said. The role of the visitor is simply to be there and join you in your pain.

Customizing the process of sitting shiva

There are many shiva customs but few hard-and-fast rules. You need to do what is right for you. Sometimes you will know just what that is, and at other times you may only know it in hindsight.

Each shiva may feel different. Depending on the age of the deceased and the cause of death, and whether it was sudden or anticipated, these and other factors will affect the tone of the shiva house. No two losses are the same, and no two people grieve in the same way. 

Everyone’s response, both emotional and physical, will be very individual. Grief often carries with it such a sense of overwhelming sadness, shock, and distress. You’ll need to give yourself time and have self-compassion, neither of which is easy.

Daily prayer services, for some, can be comforting and give the days of shiva some structure. They may also give you the push you need to get out of bed in the morning. They may also provide a welcome respite in which to take a break from conversation.

Shiva can also be a time to support each other as individuals and within the family. This is a time of reflection, healing, and even growth. Tears of joy and laughter and tears of sorrow may at times go hand in hand, and this, too, may feel so strange but comforting as you reflect on shared memories.

As for this moment, everything feels different. There are periods that may feel more intense, and just the sight of someone who knows you or your loved one can bring on your tears. There will also be times when you feel very little, and other times when you wish that the last visitor for the evening would soon depart.

Shiva is even more exhausting than one could imagine, especially if one has spent days sitting in a hospital with a loved one or has flown in from far away. Often, by the end of the day, you may feel talked out, your voice strained, and you may be long past feeling ready to fall into bed.

Shiva is for the mourner, and it is always important that visitors take their cue from you in every way with respect to the timing of the visit and even what to say or not to say.

Unpredictable nature of grief

Grief has unpredictable moments that present challenges.

There may be intense times filled with emotion, and other times when you may be surprised at how little you feel. You may not have shed a tear and perhaps wonder why.

The tone of shiva will be determined by the nature of the loss.

The sudden and unexpected death of a young person in the prime of their life will typically feel very different from the death of someone in their 90s who has lived a full life.

In situations where one has experienced anticipatory loss over a long period, shiva may feel very different. This is especially true after prolonged illness or advanced dementia, and where it has been clear that the situation would continue to deteriorate.

You do not grieve with just your heart and soul. You grieve with your entire body. Although you may have been resilient and possibly carried the burden of your loved one’s illness, as well as their loss, you may have dealt with tremendous emotional and physical upheaval for some time.

During shiva, you may find yourself reflecting on the days and months leading up to the death.

As much as shiva is a time to draw comfort by being together with other family members, it may also bring up present and past areas of conflict. Being in the shiva house together at a time when people are especially fragile can create friction, especially if there were strained relationships before the death.

Remember, too, that people mean well. The role of the visitor is to be there with you and for you; not necessarily to offer words of consolation, but simply to support you in silence until you speak. Some people may choose to comfort you in a way that inadvertently does the opposite. They may say things that will feel as if they are trivializing your loss, rather than having an appreciation of the depth of your grief. No one walks in your shoes, and no one knows exactly how you feel.

Transformation: Raw and unprocessed feelings

Somehow, in this roller-coaster week of unanticipated emotions, in a very strange way, your raw and unprocessed feelings get transformed. How is it that shiva works so well and catapults you out of the depths of despair and back into the land of the living?

From a psychological perspective, Judaism knows exactly what we need, and has built in a way of helping people experiencing intense grief to begin the process of healing.

It takes time and cannot be rushed. In fact, the entire first year has gradations, from the intensity of the first few days to after shiva, the 30-day period of shloshim, which is less intense, and then through the first year until the first yahrzeit. We don’t just get up after a loss and go on as if it’s business as usual.

With all the loss we have suffered individually and collectively as a nation over the past many years, it is a reminder that we are all grieving for so much. As you look inward, remind yourself that it takes time to heal from pain and loss, and try to be gentle and kind to yourself.

Much of what has been written in today’s column has been written with my colleague and coauthor Gina Junger and excerpted from the chapter on shiva in our book, The Jewish Journey Through Loss: From Death to Healing (Koren Press).

The structure of shiva allows people to sit with their grief, while gently insisting that they reenter life.

As with heart surgery, although you will always have a scar, you, too, will heal. Your grief will lessen with time, and you will move forward. As you do, you will bring the person you love with you.

Whether you have had a loss or are supporting someone who has, I’m sending you much strength.■

Shiva etiquette 

If you are visiting someone who has lost a loved one, there are a few dos and don’ts:

•  Make your visit brief. A 10-to-20-minute visit is more than enough time to offer condolences.
• Pay attention to the visiting hours. Don’t go late in the evening or close to Shabbat, when the mourners have other needs beyond visitation.
• Don’t feel you need to wait for other visitors to arrive before leaving. If you sat with the mourners and offered condolences, it is okay to leave.
• Turn off your cellphone before entering. Be fully available to the mourner.
• Don’t get into a conversation with other visitors who may be there at the same time, unless it is relevant to the deceased and includes the mourner.

Since the mourner is seated in a low chair, while the visitors are seated in regular chairs, a conversation that doesn’t include the mourner leaves them left out and feeling quite irrelevant.

• Recognize that the bereaved person is in a lot of pain. Don’t tell them how they should feel, or how you felt when you lost someone. Their grief is theirs.
• Don’t tell them that you know exactly how they feel. You do not walk in their shoes and cannot truly know how they feel.
• Don’t ask intrusive questions or make judgmental comments about the deceased’s medical care or death.
• Be there with them in their grief. This is a moment where it is all about them and not at all about you – unless they ask how you are.
• Don’t offer platitudes such as “Everything happens for a reason” or “This is for the best.”
• Feel free to just lean in and listen. There are times when there are simply no words. You can tell them that.
• Being there with them in their silence can be very comforting to them. Your goal is to care and be present in their grief. Don’t interrupt them to tell your story.
• Be patient with their loss. Their grieving is not time-bound. They will possibly need you more after shiva, when the house quiets down, than during shiva. It is then that a simple question, such as “What can I do to help?” can validate and acknowledge their needs.

– B.L.

Adapted from Ludman, B.L. and Junger, G., The Jewish Journey Through Loss: From Death to Healing, p. 111-112.

Helping children deal with death

As adults, it is our natural instinct to protect our children from death. Yet death in many ways is not new to a child. Children see death from a very early age as part of the natural life cycle. They see a wilted flower, step on bugs, see a dead bird on the road, or sadly have been privy to world news and events around them, all of which helps them formulate some concept of death.

Your child’s age and stage of development, as well as their relationship with the person who died, will further influence their perception of death and impact how you deal with your child.

Speaking with your children about death

When adults are so deeply entrenched in their own grief, they may well be oblivious to the pain of their children, especially if they are quiet and not outwardly expressive regarding their feelings. As such, it’s easy to mistakenly assume that they are okay when in reality they may not be. When speaking with children, it’s important to keep the discussion as simple, age- and stage-appropriate, open, honest, and straightforward as possible.

You want to tell them what they need to know without extraneous and irrelevant details that may feel confusing. It is important to let them know that you are there for them should they have more questions and reassure them that all feelings are normal. Their questions need to be answered, and they need to be able to express their concerns around the death.

I remember sitting down and telling my six-year-old very bright and articulate son that his beloved grandmother, who had been very sick, had died. Toward the end, we had prepared him that she would not recover, and we took pictures of them together in the hospital.

He told me he had two questions. Focused on the fact that she would be in a coffin, he wanted to know if she would have a pillow for her head and would she be comfortable? He then wanted to know who would make sure to cut her fingernails.

I let him know that the coffin was silk lined and there was a small pillow, and that when you die, your fingernails and hair no longer grow. These answers appeared to satisfy him. From the perspective of a six-year-old, these questions were so appropriate – yet not at all what I would have anticipated.

The week of shiva

With so many adults present in a shiva house, it is easy to inadvertently ignore the children who are present. Yet children may take things in, misunderstand conversations, or find the crowds of people overwhelming – without understanding the depth of what happened.

A child may belong in a shiva house if they would like to be there and be there with you. Children bring life to the shiva house, reminding mourners that the mundane tasks of life continue and have meaning. Being around a shiva enables children to have the opportunity to experience support from others and better come to terms with the loss.

When children too are mourners, they come to realize that people will be there to take care of them, and that they are not alone. They need and benefit from the presence of their friends. Often schoolchildren will come as a class with their teacher to visit, and this can be very comforting. (See illustration.)

It is easy for children to be “forgotten grievers,” especially if they are quietly playing on the sideline or acting out. The adults in their world may not recognize this or be able to be there for them. Children are not “little adults” and need to take breaks. They do not grieve continuously but rather in spurts, often not appearing consistently or intensely sad. As a result, adults may assume that the children are doing fine, when in fact they may not be.

Play often provides a structure for how a child works through the issues at hand. Children are not indifferent but simply “take breaks” in both their assimilation of information and in the grieving process itself. Often, adults don’t realize that when others may have long forgotten the death, a grieving child may only just be beginning to face their painful journey. Sadly, it is at this time that they may be told to “be strong” and not be encouraged to express their feelings.

It is not uncommon for teenagers especially to create a separate circle and seek the company and comfort of their friends. It is important to remember that young people mourn differently than adults. They may be laughing, joking, and discussing anything but the deceased.

Tips for coping

■ Preschool-age children:

Prepare for regression in development.

Provide a sense of safety and security through verbal reassurance, and physical comfort.

Offer familiar routines and rituals.

Encourage children to express their feelings of loss and sadness through play and art but verbally as well. Help them fill in the words for their feelings.

Avoid unnecessary separations and let young children consistently know when you need to leave and when you will return.

■ School-age children:

At this age, children have a better understanding of the finality of death and will have many questions.

They will likely require reassurance that they and others around them are okay and will be there for them.

Rituals and routine provide structure and are often comforting.

■ Adolescence:

This is a time of increased peer group importance. While no longer children, they are not yet adults.

Be available to offer a listening ear. Asking them what could be helpful lets them know that you are there for them. Wanting but not having a sense of control can feel very overwhelming.

While you may share your feelings with them, don’t overwhelm them with your concerns. Your goal is to enable them to draw on their strengths at such a difficult time and reestablish a sense of trust in a world of uncertainty. – B.L.

The writer is a thanatologist and licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana and has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. batyaludman@gmail.com; drbatyaludman.com

Follow us on Google

---