Shefali Tsabary: ‘The world is so chaotic that parents are losing touch with their children’

In her clinical practice in the United States, parenting expert Shefali Tsabary - known to her clients and readers as Dr Shefali - meets a lot of parents who are concerned about the amount of time their children are spending on devices to the detriment of their relationships.

Speaking on the latest episode of The Irish Times Women’s Podcast, the clinical psychologist explains that instead of worrying and ruminating on the problem, parents should take action and ask themselves, “how can I connect with my child?”

A New York Times bestselling author who counts Oprah as one of her biggest champions, Tsabary has published two new books, Raising Conscious Daughters and Raising Conscious Sons.

After watching the hit Netflix drama Adolescence last year, in which a 13-year-old boy kills his female classmate, she felt inspired to address the issues at the heart of the series and write guides for parents on how to raise “emotionally secure, resilient and authentic children”.

“ The point that inspired me was not what the boy did, but that the parents were completely unaware,” she tells podcast presenter Róisín Ingle.

“They can’t believe that their child was capable of this. What happened? How did I miss the signs? That anguish is the anguish I wanted to quell, and that’s why I wrote these two books because I know most parents are well-meaning and well-intentioned. They just don’t know how to read the signs, and today’s world is so chaotic, so anxiety-producing, that parents are losing touch with their children.”

She warns that if parents are passive, there are plenty of opportunities for “the algorithm” to take over, suggesting that many boys are now being mentored by pornography and the manosphere rather than trusted adults.

Connection is one way to disrupt this and doesn’t have to be complicated, she says. It could be as simple as “going into their room and watching a video game with them” or “watching a series with them”. Even going on a walk or cooking dinner together can make a difference, she says.

“If you have a child living at home, you have 30 minutes every day to connect. Find a way to connect. It doesn’t matter how you connect, just be present,” she says.

“Many parents give up because they feel like, ‘oh, if my child is on a video game all day and I hate the video game, what’s the point?’

“The point is that you laugh with them. The point is that you make eye contact with them, and every moment of connection is better than not having that connection”.

The author says it can be a slow but worthwhile process. One which can help children seek connection with the adults in their lives, rather than their devices.

“Build the bank slowly but surely. Do it every day. Play that stupid video game. Go in and watch that boring series. You build on the micro moments of connection, and that’s what I empower parents with. There are micro moments in every day to connect with your child.”

The mother of one describes how she still makes sure to practise this daily connection with her adult daughter Maia.

“I’m away from my child now for three weeks, but almost every day, we’ll do a crossword puzzle together online. That’s the wonderful thing about the internet. You can play, then she plays, and sometimes I don’t want to play with her, because I’m in a cab and I’m having downtime, but I think to myself, ‘Oh, this is my way to connect to her’. She loves it; we giggle, we laugh, she wins.”

In this wide-ranging discussion, the 54-year-old also speaks about her traditional upbringing in Mumbai, India, the fear and excitement of moving to the United States as an “unsophisticated” 21-year-old and why parenting education has become her passion.

You can listen back to this episode in the player above or search The Women’s Podcast wherever on your usual podcast app.