‘I want romance and a wedding, but I am always attracted to immature men’

Question

I keep repeating the same relationship mistakes and it is getting ridiculous.

My friends (in their 30s) are all settling down, getting engaged and moving into houses. But I never get that far. They are tired of telling me that I need to choose differently, but I have tried and it does not work.

There is a type that I go for, and it is as if I could write the script. They are boyish, cute, irresponsible and have no money. It is like a slam-dunk that I will find the one person at a party who is immature and then I become their groupie and follow them around.

Sometimes they even date other people behind my back and I still come back for more. I end up feeling ashamed and childish as I watch my friends going “I told you so”. I have dated guys who have regular jobs and who turn up on time but, honestly, I am bored and then I go again for the kind of “surfer dude” who wanders after the next big wave. But I do want the big romance and the wedding, and the house and kids, and I am despairing that it will ever happen for me.

My mom was a single mother and she wants a life for me that has a picket fence and insurance, but, much as I love her, I can’t make it happen. I keep thinking that I’ll change things after this last fling, but even I know that this procrastination is the norm and the merry-go-round is off again.

What to do?

Answer

It is good that you recognise the pattern. The first question is whether you are willing to commit to changing that. The reason that you continue with the type of relationships you are having is that there is something you are getting out of them, and it might be worth looking at what that is.

It could be that you are reacting to some of your upbringing. For example, you may be subverting the huge responsibility that your mum had of being the sole caretaker of a child, or you may be ensuring that you don’t end up with any responsibility at all by only going for guys who have no intention of becoming parents. All this is speculative, but you are now in questioning mode, so investigate it further.

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It is possible to do this by asking people close to you for their thoughts on what drives you, what are you enacting or what they think your fears are. Whatever they say, and particularly if the comments are common to more than one person, they are worth listening to and ruminating over. As always, if you struggle with introspection, try a counsellor who will ask the right questions to help you focus and untangle threads of what you have been told.

There are other issues that might be holding you back – procrastination and the “boredom” you seem to experience when dating more responsible men. Procrastination happens when we are not very committed to the aim we have set ourselves, and so anything can move us off track.

So, what is your aim? And can you put your whole self behind it?

It sounds that you do not admire the boyish men you date and neither do you admire the responsible but boring men you have been with. This does not auger well for a lasting or deep relationship. Figure out what kind of person you would like to spend time with. What would stretch you and keep you interested? Then figure out how to be in the company of such people and give this your time and attention. You might find it makes you vulnerable to be in a position of wanting attention from someone you admire, but that is nearly always a part of a serious relationship journey – the risk is that they will not feel the same, but at least you know they are worth the effort.

Almost nobody is boring if you take the time to get to know them, so you may have been guilty of assuming the characters of the responsible men you have dated. You might check this one out with your friends, as making assumptions like this might need to be tackled if you are to allow more possibilities into your life. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your mother, but you have to find your own way in the world, and her desire to have you settled might not be for you. Perhaps talk it over with her and help her understand that what she longed for may not be for you, and that her unconditional love is what allows you to investigate all sorts of ways of living.

[ ‘I am getting an insight into toxic laddish behaviour – and it’s making me sick’Opens in new window ]

You get to choose your life, but to really find out what you want, you will need to commit fully to a pathway so that your final decision is based on true knowledge and experience.

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