I moved in with my partner six months ago – was it a huge mistake?

Dear Roe,

My partner and I moved in together six months ago and I’m finding it much harder than I expected. We’d been together for three years and spent most weekends at each other’s places, so I thought I knew what living with him would be like. I was excited for us to have a home together, but now I’m wondering if we’ve made a mistake. The problems sound so petty when I write them down. He leaves cups and plates wherever he’s been sitting, drops his clothes on the bedroom floor and seems perfectly happy to let the laundry pile up until there’s nothing left to wear. He does clean when I ask, but I hate feeling like I have to notice everything and tell him what to do. He says I’m constantly criticising him and that he can’t relax in his own home. I’m not someone who needs everything to be spotless, but I work from home and find it hard to concentrate when the place is messy. By the end of the day, I want the sittingroom to feel calm. He comes home, puts the television on straight away and often invites friends over without checking with me. He grew up in a busy house and I think he finds my need for quiet a bit strange. We’ve tried talking about it, but we somehow end up arguing about whose standards should apply. I miss him, which feels ridiculous when we live together, but I do. We used to enjoy our evenings together, but now I feel tense when I hear him coming home, because I’m already thinking about what we might fight over. Is this just a difficult adjustment that couples have to get through? Or are these differences telling us something more serious about whether we’re right for each other? I love him, but I’m starting to doubt my decision to move in, and I don’t know what to do next.

Learning to live with someone is really hard. Browse the internet’s never-ending supply of nightmare roommate stories and you’ll quickly see how people can have wildly different ideas of acceptable behaviour when living in close quarters. Throw in a romantic relationship suddenly turned domestic; a lack of privacy and space; and the unrealistic expectation that because you love someone, you will have innately compatible ideas of what it means to live together, and it’s a recipe for disaster – and some panic.

But don’t take the panic for an objective judgment on your relationship. Moving in with a partner is a massive transition, and it’s completely normal to experience difficulties. It changes your relationship, living arrangements and routine; it brings up questions of chores and finances and storage and daily life. There are a lot of practical issues to suddenly contend with, and needs that can feel completely at odds.

But it’s not just the practical elements that make moving in together difficult. When two people move in together, they’re not just bringing their clothes and weird morning routines and apparent moral objection to hanging up towels. They’re also bringing their childhoods. They’re bringing their upbringing, family norms, history, their inherited and created and reconstructed ideas of how a home is meant to feel, or how they always wanted it to feel. They’re bringing memories and norms and histories and fantasies of home, and these things are rarely consciously considered, let alone articulated to their partner.

So suddenly, two people are living together, not realising that they’re surrounded by invisible, unspoken ideas of how clean a house should be and how it reflects on the occupants if it isn’t. There can be different ideas of what rest and peace and joy feel like; how conflict and repair play out in a small space. There can be unconscious expectations that someone else will clean up the messes. There can be fantasies of a home where friends and family gather and drop in, or a longing for a home to finally feel like a place of quiet, privacy and control, a retreat from the world. There can be deep-seated desires for a home to feel a certain way, and fears about living in one that doesn’t feel comfortable or safe.

It’s all complicated and deep and can be hugely activating in ways we’re not always conscious of. One partner’s mess can bring up another’s feeling of being judged or out of control. A request for quiet can feel like a rejection of the other person’s social world and freedom. Clutter can make one person feel like their space isn’t theirs to delight in, while their criticism makes another feel judged and controlled and like they’re failing by just existing.

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So, what to do about all this physical and emotional baggage filling up your shared space?

First, commit to forgiving each other, over and over again. Second, carve out time to discuss what you imagined home to be, and what you don’t want it to feel like. Each describe a perfect weekday and weekend: your routines, how much time you spend together and alone, if others come over, when chores are done. Don’t just describe the facts – if dishes are clean, if guests drop in – also describe how that makes you feel: calm, embraced, accepted, at peace, invigorated. Then talk about how the other person’s ideal day would make you feel: rushed, pressured, crowded, overwhelmed, controlled?

Talk about where those feelings come from – if untidiness or guests or a requirement for dishes to be washed the second dinner is over stresses you out, why? Are there demands or criticisms or good memories from your family homes you wish to avoid or recreate? Understanding each other emotionally will allow you to tap into your desire to make each other feel safe and comfortable – and allow you to pick your battles.

Then discuss your shared vision for your house, and what compromises will need to be made. If your partner wants to relax after dinner, can you watch one episode of something, but then clean up together? If he wants to invite friends over, how many times a month feels reasonable, and what notice do you need? If he wants common areas used for socialising, do you get ownership of the spare room so you have somewhere to retreat?

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Talk about chores. Talk about chores. Talk about chores. It’s very common for women to do more domestic labour and take on the managerial role, monitoring the needs of the home and reminding partners to pitch in. It’s a sexist, unequal and thankless role, so don’t get stuck in it. Get Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play and talk about chores and expectations now.

Schedule a nice monthly check-in for your relationship that includes talking about where you need more support, expressing gratitude, and discussing anything you’d like to change. Having it scheduled means there’s a calm time to address issues, and you’re both engaging in those conversations.

Finally, don’t panic when you find yourself infuriated with your partner, or craving alone time. That’s okay, and normal, and not a sign your relationship is doomed: it’s just a sign that sometimes, that exquisite otherness that attracted us to a person can feel big in a small space.

Give yourself space to stay curious and open as you both adjust. The goal is not to create a home or relationship with no friction. It’s to be aware of the homes you came from, to try to build a new one together, and build a lot of forgiveness into its foundations.

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