‘Between my wife, mother, business and life in general, I feel very stuck and pessimistic’

Question

I am in my 60s and should be thinking about slowing down, but instead I find myself in a very squeezed place.

Years ago, I left the country and was pursuing a life abroad and I could not only see a future there but also a career and a pathway. However, after 10 years my father died of a heart attack and I came home to manage the family business. I thought it would be short term but, of course, I am still here with ever more responsibilities falling on me.

I did get married to a local woman and we have managed to have a type of relationship – I know she never thought she was my number-one choice and there is some truth in that. She is constantly niggling me that I am not spontaneous enough in my affections and she does not like my mother at all.

Recently, my mother has fallen ill and needs a lot of care – she made me promise, years ago before I left the country, that I would not put her in a home, so now she is calling that in and I am under a lot of pressure. My kids are in college, moving on to postgraduate stage, and the business continues to do okay without growing a lot.

What I am facing is a life with my mother relying on me fully and a wife who counts every moment of attention I give to others. The kids are almost gone, and I want them to leave and have lives of their own, but I miss them and their energy.

I feel very stuck and pessimistic about my future life but also feel I did not have much choice in making it this way.

Answer

Your sense of stuckness and the potential longevity of this really comes through in your letter.

However, you have a lot of living to do and it might be time to address the underlying issues, even if it feels difficult. It is very good parenting that you are not passing on your issues to your children and that you want them to experience some of the freedom you had many years ago, so take some solace in that.

However, there are some decisions you made in the past that need attention and engagement and you have reached the stage where you cannot ignore them. It seems your wife feels you are more faithful (in your affections) to your mother than you are to her and you are feeling harassed by this, leading, perhaps, to verifying her feeling of distance.

[ ‘I was always the one with hordes of friends, so I don’t how to handle this loneliness’Opens in new window ]

It is time for both of you to go to a couple’s therapist and trash out your relationship – it is a risky thing to do but so is drifting into a bland connection that does not satisfy either of you. I wonder if you could do some blue-sky thinking now that your children are on their own paths. You have felt stymied by the need to return too soon from your adventures abroad and this might be an itch that needs to be scratched. Perhaps your wife also has unfulfilled dreams that you and she might discuss as part of future planning.

Is it possible to take a break from the business (or sell it if it is the right time) and go do some exploring? If your mum knew that what you needed was a break, she might be open to some respite care, and the public health nurse can help you source options.

Are there other family members that could be called upon to help support you, or your mother or the business?

If this is the case, you may be able to leave without too much guilt. However, if you say you are going for a limited amount of time, it is imperative you keep your word so that your mum can trust you to return and then perhaps allow you to go again. There is no doubt some of the patterns that have emerged in your life are negative and hurtful for more than just you – your wife is craving attention and so you know that to simply continue on is damaging for you both. Asking her to engage in counselling with you will focus both of you on the problem; this in itself helps create intimacy and it might get you to be truthful about how unfulfilled you are.

If you are still harbouring feelings for someone from your past, as may be indicated by the “not number-one choice” remark, it is time to face up to this and put it to rest. We know comparison creates misery and this may have been permeating through your marriage for many years. There is always time for development and age is no excuse not to stretch yourself.

Use this transition time to engage and challenge your status quo and be open to opportunities that are, as yet, unseen.

• See the Irish Council for Psychotherapy (psychotherapycouncil.ie), the Psychological Society of Ireland (psychologicalsociety.ie) and the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (iacp.ie) for accredited and registered therapists)
• To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com