All aboard with Kaptain Kemi, lost at sea on the good ship amnesia

HMS Wellington. A decommissioned Grimsby-class sloop from the second world war. A warship that has been moored on the Thames, going nowhere for the best part of 80 years. Today’s venue for the leader of the opposition to explain why the Conservative party hollowed out defence spending throughout their time in office. Sorry. Scrub that. To welcome in a brave new world order. Come aboard the good ship Badenoch. There are times when you wonder if the Tory media team have been infiltrated by Labour HQ. Still, we might as well enjoy it while we can.

After a brief introduction from the loyal but dim Lieutenant “Steady as she goes, chaps and chapesses” James Cartlidge, who – for reasons not even he fully understands – is the shadow defence secretary, Kaptain Kemi appeared to take over the helm. “Why have I brought you here?” she began. A good question. Though if she doesn’t know, it seems a bit much expecting us to have the answers. Maybe this was more of a rhetorical cry for help. It wouldn’t be the only time her memory failed her on this latest public outing.

A pause. Still no one had a clue what we were doing. Most people had only come because they had been asked. It’s a worry when the host doesn’t remember sending out the invitation. Kaptain Kemi allowed herself to take in her surroundings. Being onboard evoked euphoric recall of a time of empire. When most of the globe was painted red, and Britain ruled the world. That was a time and a history of which we could all be proud. Instead, we now lived in a world where our entire navy was out of action, good only as an entertainment venue, available for corporate events. The irony escaped her.

Let’s hear it for the Britannia Shield, said Kaptain Kemi. Trying to inject some energy into a speech that was already sinking fast. James had come up with the Britannia Shield, she added. Which should have been a warning in itself not to take it seriously. Commander Cartlidge had only really envisioned it as a couple of drones being piloted from his back garden. He had never thought that anyone would take it seriously. It was something he had thought up in the shower while preparing for his speech at the Tory party conference.

“Why do people keep comparing it to the Iron Dome?” she asked. Yet another question. Her memory was now failing her in real time. At this rate she would be lucky to make it to the end of the event without a psychiatric intervention. It doesn’t matter whether it’s an Iron Dome or not, Kaptain Kemi insisted. Let’s try to help her out. Oh, that was it. We had compared it to an Iron Dome because that’s how both she and the Tory party had described it on X and in press releases. Now we were being given a hard time for taking her at her word. You can’t win.

Kaptain Kemi then wandered into a long ramble about how things were all terrible and how Shabana Mahmood had weakened our borders by putting in place immigration controls that were far tougher than anything the Tories had ever done. Luckily, she appeared to have no idea how embarrassing the speech had just become. An extended cry for help. Living proof of terminal cognitive decline. She tried to cheer herself up by asking some more questions.

“Where is the prime minister?” she said. It was nice of her to show an interest in Andy Burnham’s whereabouts. And at least she knew the answer. “Antigua!” she yelled triumphantly. A victory that was short-lived as it soon became clear she thought he had gone there for a holiday rather than to attend the Commonwealth heads of government meeting.

Kaptain Kemi also moaned about the country having experienced no rise in living standards throughout the 14 years of Tory governments. Some of which she served in. Though that too appears to have been wiped from her memory. Brain fade. She ended with another questions. “We are a new party, aren’t we?” Er, no. You’re not. At the last count the Conservatives were nearly 200 years old. Still, good guess. You had a 50-50 chance and you got it wrong. It can’t be long before the producers try to sign up Our Kaptain for next year’s Celebrity Traitors.

That just left time for a few questions for the media. Kaptain Kemi was dead against any form of dynamic alignment with the EU on food products. Any hint of regulations to make it easier to trade with our neighbours was a red line. Trade should be made as difficult and as expensive as possible. That was what the British public had voted for. If Brexit was to mean anything, it was the right to impoverish yourself. Which was why she would be stockpiling water after declaring war. It turns out that the only terms on which Kaptain Kemi would visit China was if she had bombed it into submission first. I’m not sure she has quite got the hang of this diplomacy thing.

The longer the session went on, the more delusional Our Kaptain became. It wasn’t long before she was offering her thoughts on making an apology for Britain’s part in the slave trade. “Saying sorry is always a weakness,” she said. The first rule of any contested area is never to admit liability.

Slavery was so old history. Centuries old. Countries needed to move on. And don’t forget, we want some credit for ending slavery. Swings and roundabouts. The idea that a confident nation could address both the good and the bad it had done and apologise where necessary didn’t seem to have occurred to her.

Come the end, Kaptain Kemi seemed just as confused as the rest of us. Still no real answer to why so many people had gathered on HMS Wellington. We were here because we’re here because we’re here. Maybe the reality was more prosaic. It had all been an exercise in rehabilitation. Occupational therapy for the leader of the Tory party. Shame she won’t remember it.